When I found out I was pregnant with Isla I wasn't instantly excited. My pregnancy was very much unplanned as Islas dad and I had only been together a couple of months. I didn't fully accept the fact I was pregnant and going to have a baby until I was 10 weeks into my pregnancy and I started to bleed. The emotions I felt are ones I cant even put into words, I was convinced I had lost my baby. We went for a private scan and it revealed a little sac of blood next to where Isla was, the sonographer said it was nothing to worry about and that It would just disappear and should be gone by my 12 week scan. From that day on I realised just how much I loved this little life already, I had an attachment to someone I hadn't even met yet.
By the 12 week scan I was in full on excitement mode, I had already started planning her nursery, choosing her pram and thinking of boys and girls names. Luckily the bleeding had stopped and the scan showed there was no more sac of blood just a happy and healthy 12 week old baby. My heart skipped a beat, time froze and I was gobsmacked at how much my baby had changed in just 2 short weeks. We couldn't wait until the 20 week scan to find out if we were having a boy or a girl, I take my hat of to couples who wait until they actually have their baby! So we booked a private gender scan for 17 weeks and found out we were having a little girl, although they did tell us a boy at first so we sat there for 10 minutes thinking she was a boy! By the 20 week scan the excitement was even stronger and the relief we felt to know we had a happy and healthy baby girl was wonderful.
As my due date came closer I started to loose the excitement and felt an overwhelming emotion of fear. I was scared I wouldn't bond with Isla, I was scared I wouldn't be a good mum and I ran every single bad scenario to do with labour through my head over and over. I started to feel a lot of anxiety and thought I wouldn't be cut out for the enormous responsibility that was about to become mine. I started to over prepare myself and lost sight of what was important. I was constantly cleaning, organising, googling and researching 'how do I look after a baby'. Now let me tell you one thing, no matter how much googling, researching, organising and cleaning you do it will not prepare you for birth baby or beyond. I already suffered with health anxiety before and the pregnancy just heightened that. Every single cramp or ache I would convince myself something was wrong. The day I was induced I had gone into hospital because of reduced movements and I almost didn't go in because I thought the midwives would be like 'oh look its her again' but luckily I did as Isla was in mild distress with the cord around her neck. After an hour and 4 minutes established labour time I had my baby in my arms and all of the anxiety and worry doubled. I was over the moon and over joyed to have her in my arms and I felt a love I think every mum must feel but that didn't stop the fear. The fear hasn't stopped, it hasn't gone away and I don't think it ever will. Its not like the fear I have of clowns or heights but something completely different. Its no longer a fear of will I bond with her, because the bond we have is magical. Its no longer a fear of will I be a good mum, because i'm a damn good mum. Its no longer a fear of labour, because that's done and dusted. I cant quite explain the worry, the anxiety or the fear but it feels like I'm letting my heart walk (lie down) around the outside of my body ( I love that quote) I would do anything on this earth to protect her, keep her safe and my god if anyone tried to hurt her...
I cant quite explain the bond I have with my daughter, but its quite possibly the one thing I've ever wanted from life. I have something that will last forever, a love that will never stop.
