A Whirlwind of a week.

So last Tuesday I received a very exciting phone call from Siobhan Freegard the founder of Channel Mum asking if I would like to appear on ITV's This morning! At Channel Mum we had all been working on a top secret campaign on the pressures of breastfeeding #bressure. We made videos on our individual experiences with both Breast and Bottle feeding and our aim was to let every mum out there who feels pressured one way or the other that whatever way you choose to feed you baby, ITS OK!  The whole campaign received a pretty amazing response from being mentioned on the News, Loose women and This Morning. The main video has now been watched over 50,000 times! (WOW) you can find it over on the Channel Mum You Tube page.

On the Thursday morning I appeared on This Morning with a lady called Emma Taylor and we discussed with Phillip Schofield and Christine Bleakly our personal views on baby feeding. It was pretty surreal experience and I could of spoke for the entire program! I had to cramp my never ending views into a 10 minute segment. My whole view on breast and bottle feeding is that instead of criticizing one another that, as mothers, we should support eachother! Motherhood is a pretty scary thing and I constantly question myself and wonder if I'm doing the right thing, I wouldn't be human if I didn't! There is a lot of negativity surrounding both ways of feeding from arguments about the #brelfie to mothers getting publicly abused over bottle feeding. I think all of us at Channel Mum have had such a positive effect on the views on breast/bottle and I hope we helped other mothers out their who feel guilty, worried or upset about their experience to feel more positive.

Alongside that amazing day, my baby girl turned 4 MONTHS! I still don't believe it.. I feel like I blinked and the past 4 months have passed me by. Isla is at such a wonderful age, she is starting to explore things like her play mat and different toys, is giggling and has such a beautiful personality coming through. I have to admit I am loving the fact she isn't mobile yet either haha. It has been a couple of months now since Tom and I separated and I am feeling a lot more positive about the situation. I feel like myself again, and we are getting on much better than when we were together, which in the long run is the best thing for Isla. I am starting to really struggle being away from her when she is with him, maybe a little bit of jealousy that I'm not with her. I hate not giving her bedtime bath, her last bottle and telling her I love her before she drifts of to sleep. I try and keep myself as busy as I possibly can and not think about it too much or ill eat myself into an ice cream coma whilst watching videos of her on replay. I hope it gets easier being away from her, but I just don't see it happening.

did you see the #bressure campaign? or did you catch me on This Morning?
Thanks for reading my ramblings!

Laura xox

An Unbreakable bond

When I found out I was pregnant with Isla I wasn't instantly excited. My pregnancy was very much unplanned as Islas dad and I had only been together a couple of months. I didn't fully accept the fact I was pregnant and going to have a baby until I was 10 weeks into my pregnancy and I started to bleed. The emotions I felt are ones I cant even put into words, I was convinced I had lost my baby. We went for a private scan and it revealed a little sac of blood next to where Isla was, the sonographer said it was nothing to worry about and that It would just disappear and should be gone by my 12 week scan. From that day on I realised just how much I loved this little life already, I had an attachment to someone I hadn't even met yet.

By the 12 week scan I was in full on excitement mode, I had already started planning her nursery, choosing her pram and thinking of boys and girls names. Luckily the bleeding had stopped and the scan showed there was no more sac of blood just a happy and healthy 12 week old baby. My heart skipped a beat, time froze and I was gobsmacked at how much my baby had changed in just 2 short weeks. We couldn't wait until the 20 week scan to find out if we were having a boy or a girl, I take my hat of to couples who wait until they actually have their baby! So we booked a private gender scan for 17 weeks and found out we were having a little girl, although they did tell us a boy at first so we sat there for 10 minutes thinking she was a boy! By the 20 week scan the excitement was even stronger and the relief we felt to know we had a happy and healthy baby girl was wonderful.


As my due date came closer I started to loose the excitement and felt an overwhelming emotion of fear. I was scared I wouldn't bond with Isla, I was scared I wouldn't be a good mum and I ran every single bad scenario to do with labour through my head over and over. I started to feel a lot of anxiety and thought I wouldn't be cut out for the enormous responsibility that was about to become mine. I started to over prepare myself and lost sight of what was important. I was constantly cleaning, organising, googling and researching 'how do I look after a baby'. Now let me tell you one thing, no matter how much googling, researching, organising and cleaning you do it will not prepare you for birth baby or beyond. I already suffered with health anxiety before and the pregnancy just heightened that. Every single cramp or ache I would convince myself something was wrong. The day I was induced I had gone into hospital because of reduced movements and I almost didn't go in because I thought the midwives would be like 'oh look its her again' but luckily I did as Isla was in mild distress with the cord around her neck. After an hour and 4 minutes established labour time I had my baby in my arms and all of the anxiety and worry doubled. I was over the moon and over joyed to have her in my arms and I felt a love I think every mum must feel but that didn't stop the fear. The fear hasn't stopped, it hasn't gone away and I don't think it ever will. Its not like the fear I have of clowns or heights but something completely different. Its no longer a fear of will I bond with her, because the bond we have is magical. Its no longer a fear of will I be a good mum, because i'm a damn good mum. Its no longer a fear of labour, because that's done and dusted. I cant quite explain the worry, the anxiety or the fear but it feels like I'm letting my heart walk (lie down) around the outside of my body ( I love that quote) I would do anything on this earth to protect her, keep her safe and my god if anyone tried to hurt her...

I cant quite explain the bond I have with my daughter, but its quite possibly the one thing I've ever wanted from life. I have something that will last forever, a love that will never stop.

I'm back..

 

Ah, this feels like a really big step in the right direction, I am back! I took some time away from blogging the last few weeks as I felt after my last post I needed to get my sh*t together! I spent hours debating about whether or not to post it but I'm so glad I did.

So how am I feeling now? Well the last 3/4 weeks have been full of ups and downs and mixed emotions but I have found strength I never knew I had. Other single mums who have been or are in a similar situation kept telling me one day you will wake up and you will just be stronger person but I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I didn't ever see things getting easier but my gosh they have! Each and every day I find myself picking up the pieces bit by bit and feeling a little bit stronger the more time goes on. Having Isla a majority of the week apart from when she sees her dad has been exhausting and some days I feel like shutting myself in the bathroom and crying with her but it doesn't last for long and I shake it off and realise that Isla is my strength. Its amazing how a little person who cant even talk to you can make you feel so much better and see things in a different light.

As they say as one door closes another one opens and the other week I received some really exciting news and I had to keep it quiet for a little while but I am so happy to announce that I have been given the privilege to work with Channel Mum (Eek somebody pinch me) as one of their  new talent sponsored vloggers. Throughout the next year the wonderful Channel Mum team will be giving 100 mums the chance to be sponsored by them offering expert advice and support,£200 a month, a Panasonic video camera and other exciting things to get there You Tube channels of the ground! Channel mum founded by Siobhan Freegard OBE also previously founded the UK’s biggest parenting website, Netmums (WOW) Channel mum is 'The honest face of parenting' and I feel so excited and blessed to have been selected for such an exciting opportunity! I have received my camera and I have also just got a new HP laptop so my plan is to get filming this week so watch this space for my introduction video!

All in all the last month has been a bit of a whirlwind but I have been living life by one of my favourite quotes 'Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain' which is exactly what i'm trying to do. I have so many ideas for blog posts and vlogs on the transition from being a couple to being a single parent but I also don't want to stray away from why I started doing this blog, to capture the precious moments with Isla.  I'm hoping to go back to posting twice a week on here and then a video once a week on my You Tube channel! I will share the link for that when its up and running! 

A new chapter.

So I am sitting here about to write a post I never thought I would have to but I do. Its been decided that for the sake of Islas happiness and future as well as ours that Tom and I have separated. God those words are painful. I am not writing this post for sympathy or for peoples well wishes but I am writing it to help my healing process because as you can imagine its utterly heart-breaking and also to help any other mothers in this situation or going through similar things.


From the outside looking in our relationship looked picture perfect and unfortunately more than half of the time it wasn't all roses and sunshine, we had our problems. Tom and I met last march and I found out I was pregnant in the summer. It was all a massive whirlwind for the both of us, we barley knew one another. We decided as a couple that we wanted to have a baby and we both knew that it would be hard but maybe we were naïve to just how trying it would be. Isla is the most precious thing in both of our lives and we will both continue to be in her life for always and there's no doubt that we both love her unconditionally. Tom is an amazing father and I like to think that I am doing a pretty good job as a mother too but we are not right for one another as much as I wish we were. We are going to maintain a friendship as much as we possibly can but understandingly we both need time to heal and to grieve. This isn't just a normal break up. we had made a life together and brought a beautiful baby girl into it. For us both, Islas happiness is what we want as well as our own. Two happy parents who are separated are much better than two parents who are together but miserable. This is a very recent event in my life, and I don't think it has entirely sunk it yet. I am going to keep up with the blogging as much as I feel I can. I am still going to use this as a way of treasuring my memories with Isla as that's why I started this blog, but I will also use it  as a positive tool and most of all I want to help others.

The first of many firsts..

So today was a pretty special day for us as we celebrated Islas first Easter. We aren't particularly religious but its always nice to make the most of holidays and traditions, especially ones that involve lots of chocolate. We are currently on a mini holiday visiting toms family in Cornwall and as Isla hadn't met a few of the family from this side (Her Auntie Anna and Uncle Chris flew all the way from Texas to meet her)  its been a pretty busy time.

We started the day of with a much needed fry up made by Toms dad and his partner (we actually went out last night into St.Ives with Toms friends and some family whilst Isla stayed in with her nanny so safe to say we felt a little fragile this morning). We had a traditional Easter egg hunt before we set of to Falmouth to see Toms mum and her side of the family. The family lunch was booked in at Rick Steins fish restaurant which I was really excited for as I had heard so much about it. I went for the classic fish, chips, mushey peas and tar tar sauce and Tom had some sort of duck dish (duck in a seafood place? weirdo) Isla was spoilt rotten with cuddles and kisses as usual... (Its hard being so damn cute) We ended up back at Toms mums house for another eater egg hunt, some more cuddles with Isla and a few different card games. We are now in are PJS slobbed out on the sofa and Isla is fast asleep in dream land thinking of the chocolate she will be able to eat next year. Overall it has been a really wonderful day and things like this are so special to experience for the first time with your child; it makes me think of all the other firsts we have to come like swimming, words, crawling holidays abroad, Halloween, Christmas.. and that's not even half of them! Isla makes the world a beautiful place to be.

How was your easter? Did you get up to much or just have a chilled one? Let me know in the comments below :)

The Holy Grails...

Today I thought I would do a quick post on two items that pretty much kept me sane during the first few weeks after giving birth to Isla and even now 2 months on...

The Sleepyhead

Sleep is a basic human right, a human right that gets taken away from you when you have a new born. Unfortunately Isla was a nightmare the first few days at home when it was time to go bed and just could not seem to settle in her crib. I think we made a mistake getting a crib and should of gone for a mosses basket as she just looked lost in there. We tried swaddling, we tried warming the mattress with a hot water bottle and we even tried snuggling her in with a couple of towels rolled up either side. After numerous google searches 'HOW CAN I GET MY CHILD TO SLEEP BEFORE I TURN INTO A ZOMBIE' we stumbled across an absolute life changer.. THE SLEEPYHEAD. The Sleepyhead is basically a snuggly cocoon that fits into the crib to make bed time a bit of happier. The Sleepyhead can also be used for co sleeping, tummy time, in a travel cot and is also a brilliant way to help the transition from a crib to a cot.The Sleepyhead deluxe can be used from 0-8 months but costs a pretty pricey £99. I can honestly say it is worth every penny as after all a goodnight sleep is truly priceless.

Here is a picture of Isla trying it out for the first time!

The Tommee Tippee Perfect Prep Machine

 I had heard a lot about these magical machines but Tom and I agreed not to buy one as we thought maybe people would think we were being lazy (now I look back and think how stupid was I for even caring what they thought) My brother and his partner ended up buying us this for our baby shower gift and I honestly cant thank them enough. This machine is the 8th wonder of the world at 3am in the morning when you have just walked into the side of the bed and stubbed your toe and can barley see straight past the daze and confusion. The machine is really simple and it makes a fresh bottle at the perfect temperature in less than two minutes. It truly is the easiest machine I have ever used, all you have to do is press a button! I have seen them range from £60-£90 in price depending on where you shop so its worth looking around to find the best deal. Thank you Tommee Tippee for making 3am a little more bareable.

There are many other things that we've bought or got as gifts from friends/family that have helped us out but these two are the first that pop to mind every time someone asks us what we couldn't live without.

Do you have anything you couldn't live without? What products made the first few weeks and months with your baby a little bit easier?

Learning to love my post baby body.

I think this subject is something that a lot of expectant mums, new mums and every mum in general really thinks about (I know I sure do) and that's the post baby body. I'm 5ft10 (ish) and have always been up and down with my weight. Sometimes I was a size 12 sometimes I was a size 10 and for a little while I was a size 8 (didn't last long, thanks cake)

(Left is me at my biggest and the right is me at my smallest)

 

Since having Isla and even when It was towards the end of my pregnancy I have felt really self conscious; From the water weight around my face (Don't get a full fringe in pregnancy, it will accentuate the roundness) to the stretch marks I have been left with on my hips and stomach. I have really struggled to accept the way my body looks now to the way it looked a year ago. I used bio oil and tummy butters throughout my pregnancy and ate relatively well (23 weeks of morning sickness) but I have a mummy tummy. Its not awful, its just not what I have been used to. The first few weeks were the hardest, I didn't even want to look at myself naked in the mirror and I started to forget what I had just achieved. I had just grown a human being in my body for the last 9 months! For the last 273 days my body had been home to my little girl! and in my eyes that is pretty bloody impressive. I am starting to look at my stretch marks and my mummy tummy and I'm starting to feel proud of them. I'm not saying I'm now happy with the way my body looks, because I do want to loose the weight and get back into shape but on the other hand I am in no rush to head to the gym every day. I walk with Isla as much as I can, I have done the occasional workout from home and Tom and I have began to eat as healthy as we can (Minus this weekend.. and last and maybe the one before) We have decided to start taking Isla to swimming lessons after Easter and I am petrified to get into a pool full of people I don't know with my new body to the point I almost don't want to do it.. and then I listen to myself and I think oh god shut up Laura you're not doing this for you, its for Isla! To me that's what being a mother is all about.. not being a selfish cow. It's going to be a long journey back to loving my body completely but that's okay because all of my love is currently taken up by the little person I grew inside it.